The one about RDJ, WWE Divas, and sex...

I have a great relationship with my girlfriend. We generally share the same temperament, sense of humor, and we both can dig a two day stroll around Disneyland or a Valentine's Night spent at In N Out. We're buddies above all else and, despite an entire country wedged between us, we're doing quite grand. Yet there is one issue that seems to constantly pop up. Every so often it becomes the focus of a conversation, then a debate, then a few uncomfortable silent moments. It reared it's ugly head again: My girlfriend wants to play the "one celebrity" game with me and I flatly refuse.

I think we all know the game: both members of a couple choose a celebrity or possibly five that they are "allowed" to sleep with should the occasion ever arise. Charming, really. Everyone seems to know about this little couples pact. I don't know where we pick it up or when it started. I don't know if a parent ever sat down their children and said, "Kids, your Father was faithful to me every day... except for that one day he and Annette Funicello got stuck in an elevator together while he was in Downey on business. But, it's OK. That was his one celebrity. We agreed. I tried so hard to find Harry Morgan after that, but I never did. " Maybe. Maybe not. Yet however it started... the game remains.

And I won't play it.

It's not that I'm against the game in a general sense. If couples need to play this game as some sort of deep seeded, passive aggressive method to deal with the challenges of monogamy. Fine. I get it. It's harmless. If I was living in Nebraska with some farm girl I'd play the game. "Yes, honey, you can have sex with Tim McGraw. I'm sure Faith Hill will understand... and by the way... if Faith Hill comes to our door..." But, I don't live in Nebraska... I live in Los Angeles. My girlfriend is a Los Angeles child. The game takes on a different tone. Celebrities do exist. They are real people. Live here long enough and you do start to know people that know that one girl from Road Rules Challenge, season 11, Campus Crawl. So, for this reason and others, I won't play the game with my girlfriend.

In more detail:

Now, some of this is personal and not my story to share, but... one of the first things I learned about my girlfriend is that her previous boyfriend had agreed to play the "one celebrity" game, and, quite frankly, he lost. Long story that I choose not to know entirely, but basically: She flew to London to win the game. London! As in London, England. As in a transatlantic flight. To London. To win the game.

Noooooo way I'm playing now. That'd be like entering a poker tournament only knowing the rules to Go Fish. You just aren't winning. Yet she has tried and tried to coax me into the game. First she wanted me to agree to her having Adrian Brody. I thought about it. Would that be that bad? I was about to agree when I learned that one of her good friends had directed Brody in a movie and was still very close with him. Game off!

Then she tried to get me to let her choose a celebrity she didn't have easy access to. She choose Robert Downey Jr. Oops. Sorry. I mean... Robert Downey Jr. I thought about it. Hey, there's no guarantee that I wouldn't choose RDJ myself. Then I learned... two of my good friends worked for his wife Susan. And not "we run to get her coffee" worked... I mean... worked with her. My girlfriend knows those friends. Plus... oooooohhhh plus... one of the charter members of my lady friend's Farmers Market fanclub is a rather famous director and one of his good friends is Bob Downey... as in Robert Downey Sr. This guy doesn't bare any ill will against me I hope, but, he loathes the fact that my girlfriend even has a boyfriend... so I'm sure he could at least arrange a simple RDJ visit just to spite me.

So, no, no game.

And let's stop for a moment... do celebrities have the "one fan" game? "Sorry, honey, I didn't want to have sex with her... but I was her one celebrity. I had to." Maybe there isn't an official "one fan" game, but I'm sure it's been submitted as an excuse many times. Any way...

The issue seemed to die until about a week ago when I suddenly found myself on a conference call with my girlfriend and her roommate back in Tennessee. I was once again being attacked for not playing this game. Her roommate yelling at me, too. My special lady practically pleaded with me to play the game, "Come on... let me have RDJ. I'll totally let you have Stacy Keibler!!"

Aw, yes, Stacy Keibler. One of the legendary WWE Divas and the women that I once told my girlfriend would be my choice should I ever choose to play the game. Truth be told... I don't know if she would be my actual choice... (others on the list: pro golfer Anna Rawson, ESPN's Erin Andrews, actress Michelle Moynanhan, Aussie pop tart Natalie Imbruglia, newsbabe Lauren Sanchez, singer Andrea Corr, and, of course, Liz Phair. Not that I've thought about this.) I just submitted her name because my friend that knows Susan Downey... aka Mrs. RDJ... also knows Stacy Keibler. See, kids, a lot more complicated than it is on the Nebraska plains. Now, before you think that it is a win-win for me: I choose Stacy. My friend gets me to Stacy. Game in place. It's on!!! I win. Let's really look at this:

She's Stacy Keibler:





I'm Ken Napzok:
Game ain't on, friendo's. It. just. ain't. on.

But, if it did happen, that would be the genius of my girlfriend's trap. Then she would rush right out and use her connections to get RDJ, Adrian Brody, and/ or this guy. Somehow... I would still lose.

And really whats the point of the game? If you're committed, you're committed. If you're going to allow for a celebrity then why not allow for a stranger... or a Vegas mistake... or another Vegas mistake?

Or maybe I'm just overthinking it and I should let my girlfriend believe that if she ever runs into Iron Man she can totally throw caution and morals to the wind... and go for it.

I mean... he is Iron Man.