Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Reason We Gather Here Today...

I was wondering the other day. Aloud. To myself. Why does one really have a blog? What is the real reason society at large has gone blog crazy? And why am I in that mix? Why. Do. We. Blog?

Simple.

We all just want a forum to post links to YouTube videos.

I am no different.

One of my favorite hobbies... when my other hobbies go dry... is to search out my favorite music videos on YouTube. Who doesn't do that? I mean, seriously, they expect you to work for ALL eight hours?!?! So, with no real order nor importance to life, the universe, and everything... here are some of my favorite recent views. And, yes, pretty much all of them are from the mid-nineties... because that's when I was a rock DJ and that's where my soul lives.

The Spin Doctors- "You Let Your Heart Go Too Fast."

I grew a beard to match John Lennon whisker for whisker, but since I tried that circa-1994, I was constantly compared to Spin Doctor frontdude Chris Barron. Perhaps that had something to do with the fact that the Spin Doctors second... not first... album was the first non-Beatle CD I ever bought. That album spawned this "hit." I love the mid-nineties video vibe here... the "let's write a video treatment about a cheeky misadventure for the drummer-storyline." Priceless. They just don't make that any more. Too much posing and posturing these days.

Bonus nostalgia: The line "We won't believe we cared/ I swear/ in a couple of years" was quite the comfort for a lonely, heart on my sleeve loser like myself back then.

Del Amitri- "Roll to Me."



This band is a lot better than this song will have them remembered as... and some props go to Zac Braff for trying to back that notion by featuring this song on Scrubs... but this video was a 1995 A+. I still think those are some of hottest "video chicks" to ever come across the wire. And what is funnier than adult heads on baby bodies? Huh? Huh? That's right... nothing.

The Bottle Rockets- "I'll be coming around."



Unfortunately I cannot find an official video for one of the best songs of the 1994-96 rock music scene. The Bottle Rockets did alt-country rock before Wilco was birthed from Uncle Tupelo and Ryan Adams discovered twang mixes well with power chords. "Radar Gun" and "1,000 dollar car" made waves, but this was a near-perfect pop rock. A hit that should-a-been. For whatever reason I loved this song then, forgot all about it, then dug it up about three years ago. I still play it constantly and it finds it's way on to many-a-mix CD's. Odd. Because it is a pop tune about infidelity. If only it had been a rap song... then it would have been a hit. My girlfriend probably hates the song, but she does laugh when Brian Henneman sings "knocking your back door down" because she's convinced it's a song about the "third option."

Semisonic- "Get a Grip."

Still the best rock band American ignored in the mid to late-nineties. Still the best band to be unfortunately labeled a "one hit wonder." And frontman Dan Wilson, as his current solo work proves, is still one of the best pop songwriters around. Damn it!!! I'm tired of trying to force this band down people's throats. I'll just have to settle for keeping them near and dear in that one corner of my brain where Pretty Woman and the TV show ED live. So, with sex still on the brain from the Bottle Rockets' song, I present the cheekiest song the boys from Minnesota ever put together. There are other songs... great and grand... deep and meaningful... but this one just makes me giggle like a school boy.



Tonic- "Open up your eyes."

Right as I transitioned from back-up DJ, writer, intern, "Ken, where's my coffee" to morning show co-host, Tonic burst onto the scene with this well-written, yearning three and a half minute opus. On the radio alone it sounded straight forward and perhaps a tad too earnest. Then the video hit. Awesome. More than just a silly video of a rollerskating, Tuxedo T-shirt wearing band skating through the suburbs, it also poked fun and took some brazen not so subtle shots at the then current music scene Tonic had set out to "conquer." And, plus, it has the best Mick Fleetwood cameo ever. (Which is a real category. Seriously.)

The Bogmen- "Suddenly."

Do you remember when the earth shattered and this band gave us all the great album "Life Begins at 40 million?" No? Noooo? You didn't know this band existed until just now. You still don't believe this band ever existed. How dare you, sir. The Bogmen were from New York. The Bogmen were funny. I saw the Bogmen live. And I can't wait to tell my grandchildren about the night GrandPop saw them open for the Barenaked Ladies at the Cal Poly auditorium that one night in 1996. Phew. Memories. Hold onto them.

And finally... for tonight's lesson...



That's right, little Timmy. In the 1990's... '96 to be exact... there was a spectacular hit single by a great band remembered only for recording the theme song to the animated show King of the Hill that contained the line "And give your ID card to the border guard/ now your alias says you're Captain Jean Luc Picard of the United Federation of Planets/ 'Cause he won't speak English any way." And it was good. Very good.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Oh, yeah, this is happening...




It should be noted that I was never a Bond fan... unless you count the months spent playing Goldeneye on the N64 in the spring/ summer of '97. But, seriously, I never... liked... Bond. Didn't care one bit about it. Would rather watch Sean Connery as King Arthur in First Knight then worry about Bond shaking and not stirring things or whatever he does. Then Casino Royale came out and something clicked in my brain. I loved it. Maybe it was Daniel Craig? (Taaaassssty!!) Maybe it was the poker? Maybe it was Dame Judy Dench? (Tasssssssty!!)

Now... it's time for Quantum of Solace. Oh, yeah, let's do this s*&t. I think I'm going to go buy a new suit for the event.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Moment

There are key moments in a person's life. Moments that change things and shed light on a new part of life that you never thought possible. There are times when something happens and you are forced by the Universe and God above to sit back and take it in because you know... that now... you can never go back.

Tonight I experienced such a moment.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I learned, after a hard day of work and two shots of Tequila, that Kraft Macaroni and Cheese made without the required 4 tbsp of butter tastes exactly like Kraft Macaroni and Cheese made with the required 4 tbsp of butter.

People, we're through the looking glass here.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Left Behind: The Veep's that could have been.

As a registered independent/ strong to right voter, I looked on with reserved glee as morning broke last Friday with the announcement that Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin would be John McCain's running mate. What a wonderful way to take some of the shine and glow off of Barry Obama's paint by numbers/ yet still manages to make lemmings cry/ scares the Repub's because he's good at it speech then to throw a major curveball at the world.

Mitt Romney? Mitt Next Time

Tim Pawlenty? Paw-leeeaaaseee

Joe Lieberman? Wasn't he friends with that other guy we were told to hate?

Duke? Apparently not real.

No, no, no... let's choose a woman. That'll throw 'em. And you know what? It did. Don't let "them" convince you otherwise. They were scared. The curveball came in and they were left standing at home plate asking the ump where the pitch was. Sure. One click to Wikipedia, one YouTube sportscaster clip, and a teenage pregnancy later and the Dem-folk are back on solid ground. (And no longer worried that Barry picked Biden. Joe Biden? The guy Kevin Nealon pretended to be in SNL's early '90's Senate hearing sketches?) Fair enough. In fact... as hard as it is for me to say... I'm kind of wondering if there are some better G.O.P. Veep choices that were overlooked. So, I rolled up my sleeves and researched the idea. Turns out... at least three solid choices were left behind.

1.) Andrew "Andy" Gibford


Andy was born in Poway, CA in 1956 and took a strong liking to government early on. As a Junior at Rancho Bernardo High School, he ran for Student Body President and, according to inside sources, he was the first student ever to run on the "I'll bring a soda machine to the quad" platform. Unfortunately, once it was leaked that Andy's parents only allowed him to drink soda pop on the weekends, many student votes considered him a fraud and his scholastic government career was cut short. Also, many remembered Andy as the kid that cried during most of the 9th grade P.E. Square Dancing program.

After High School Andy moved with a lifelong friend from his Boyscout troupe to Santa Maria, CA. He enrolled in general ed classes at Allan Hancock Community College and soon began Umpiring local little league baseball games from Santa Maria to Arroyo Grande to Pismo Beach. His strong sense of justice and complete understanding of the infield fly rule show that Andy is not lacking in leadership or foreign policy experience... still. While looking for discarded bottle caps and clam shells on the shores of Pismo Beach, Andy met his lovely wife Cherrie. They were married in 1977 and consumated their love in the summer of 1981.

In 1983, Andy took interest in local issues when the Pismo Beach Pier took heavy damage in the great Central Coast storms of that year. He organized a charity group to help pay for the major rebuilding that was needed. The members, in a unanimous vote, named Andy the head of the group that he started. Through gas station car washes and an "all proceeds go to the Pier" booth at the Nipomo swap meet, the group raised $214.52 for the cause. Andy's quick response to such a disaster shows his willingness to act for people in need.

Continuing to build on his interest in politics, Andy wrote a series of strongly worded Letters to the Editor from 1984 to 1999. The letters appeared in the local powerhouse newspaper, The Telegram Tribune, as well as it's rival, The Times-Press Recorder. The topics ranged from the Sierra Club's right to protect certain kinds of weeds found in the local Sand Dunes to the Great Wal-Mart Invasion of 1998. Throughout it all he remained a strong speller.

In 1998 and 2002, Andy moved to nearby Arroyo Grande, CA and unsuccessfully ran for the City Council. He lost both times to a local gas station magnate. Andy's supporters blamed a story that had been unearthed from his High School paper claiming that Andy had lived under the thumb of a 7 PM curfew all the way through high school... except for a 9 PM extension on Prom Night.

Andy didn't let the losses keep him from reaching his goals. In 2005, he and his wife moved to Los Osos, CA. He ran for office in 2006 after the City Council Office had an immediate need for a councilman/ part-time office manager when the incumbant slipped on a coral reef while posing for a picture with his girlfriend in the local tide pools. Since then Andy Gibford has been a strong leader... a man with Executive experience... and he would have been a wonderful choice for Vice President of the United States of America.

He and his wife have no kids... because she's barren. And that's a good thing.


2.) Mary McCullough

Mary McCullough (nee Watson) was born in Corvallis, Oregon in 1973. She attended Corvallis High and was a cheerleader for both the Fall and Winter sports terms. A feet not accomplished before or since; proving that Mary has what it takes to blaze trails and stand alone. When not cheerleading, the bubbly Miss Watson wrote for the school newspaper and dabbled in the brand new "Video Production Class." Popular among all the students, Mary was renowned for her ability to have lunch with the ASB students, tutor the local immigrant kid, and park her brand new Ford Escort right next to the tweakers without fear of reprisal.

After graduating High School in 1991, Mary was accepted to her hometown college, the beautiful Oregon State University. With a major in teaching and a minor in student teaching, Mary was on her way! She took to her studies with determination, but still found time to cheer for the Duck's football team and her new passion; school news. As a writer/ anchor for the Oregon St. News Broadcast shown locally on Corvallis' community access, channel 29, Mary earned quite a following. In fact, many of her fans would stop their hard work on local highways and train tracks to watch her noon time broadcast... they would even watch the repeat broadcast at midnight! Once again proving Mary is a trusted figure. During her junior year Mary, ever the leader, started "Co-Ed's for Abstinence" with two of her best friends, Chrissy and Monica. Mary soon found herself leading the group when Chrissy left school to give birth and a series of home videos Monica and her boyfriend made were circulated around campus.

Right before college graduation, Mary met and fell in love with Cullen McCullough, one of her professors. Cullen even resigned to support Mary in her future endeavours. They were married by the justice of the peace in a beautiful ceremony in the summer of 1995. Seal's Kiss from a Rose was their wedding song. The witness they paid to stand there reportedly wept.

Mary soon got a job teaching 4th grade at Buckman Elementary school. Immediately upon starting her teaching career, she was appalled at the state of the teacher's lounge. She started a grass roots campaign and soon had the support of most of the staff. With a stunning 78% vote, Mary's proposition that a pool be started in which teachers could drop change or loose bills into a Tuppeware container and the money would be put toward buying snacks and new couch cushions was passed. In 1999, Mary, now teaching sixth grade, was named President of the local Teacher's Union. Under her executive leadership the union has remained strong both on campus and at the bargaining table. In fact, when the union was offered a small cut in exchange for a longer deal and a complete restriping of "most" staff parking spaces, Mary held fast and kept her union together by not taking that bridge to nowhere.

In 2001, Mary and Cullen welcomed their first daughter Britney Christina Alanis McCullough into the world. Their second daughter, Kiera Knightly McCullough, was born in 2003. In 2006 it was learned that young Kiera was not going to be the prettiest girl in her class, but Mary stood strong and made the tough choice to keep her daughter registered in that class because "growth spurts can really turn things around."

Throughout it all Mary has remained the President teachers union, even beating popular drama teacher Blaine Bowman (pictured left) in a tough 2006 election campaign. She would have been a wonderful choice for Vice President of the United States of America.

Mary has never competed in a beauty pageant... though she did secretly win a Wet T-Shirt contest during a 1993 Spring Break trip to Billings, Montana.

3.) Darth Vicious

Darth Vicious was formerly known as Dan Gower until he converted to the Dark Side at the 1998 Comic-Con and legally changed his name in honor of the greatly anticipated Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menance. His past history is rather merky, but neighbors around his mother's house in Canoga Park, CA, a place Darth Vicious still lists as his Isolation Chamber and Headquarters, claim that Vicious was a quiet kid who remained homeschooled through his entire scholastic career. He earned a Masters Degree in the Jedi Arts in 1996 with a focus on two-ended light saber defense.

One friend of the Dark Lord of the Girth claimed that, while growing up in the porn capital of America, the husky kid formerly known as Danny Danny Chubby Pants owned every action figure available at the time. Including the less popular ones like M.A.S.K, the Go-Bots, and She-Ra. Yet it should be noted that Darth Vicious didn't stick his hand out and wait for the Government or his Uncle Mert to come by and give him the toys. No, no, no... Darth Vicious worked hard and earned a modest allowance of $1.25 a week and saved up for the chance to collect his action figures. This is a man that knows the value of hard work and the MacGyver action figure.

While working at a Subway on Mason Avenue, north of Devonshire St., Darth Vicious earned a reputation as reliable if not spectacular Sandwhich artist. By the summer of 1998, he was named Assistant Manager, showing that the former Jedi turned Sith Apprentice understands the duties of the second highest position in the country and won't have to ask about it.

Certainly many people will point to the fact that his turn from the Good Side to Dark Side of the force prior to the opening of Comic-Con '98: A Phantom Menance revealed! shows a lack of integrity, but supportors like to remind people that the Dark Side of the Force is just plain cooler... and that's what people go for: cool stuff. Darth Vicious has remained a strong presence in the Sith ranks, a go-to figure in a crazy time following the surprising return of the real enemy, the Jedi. He refuses to back down. Yes, Darth Vicious is ready to defend what he believes in. He would have been a wonderful choice for Vice President of United States of America.

Darth Vicious is a virgin... which is OK because we've already had one of those.

So, there you have it. I'm just not sure about the Palin pick anymore. Sure it was flashy. People and Eskimos in Alaska love her. She might look like Tina Fey enough to trick young, horny liberal voters. Yet when you see what was left on the table... ehhhh... we might just have to end up bowing down and praying to Obama or whatever Revelations says is supposed to happen when he takes Office.

Just do it...

The hardest thing in the world is to just do it. I need to lose weight and get back into some sort of shape. Maybe not my fighting weight and certainly not my High School twig'ness. But, something. So... just do it.

The first step is the hardest.

Two nights ago at Chili's I ordered from the "guiltless" menu. No loaded mashed potatoes, no french fries, no maple syrup on my on Diet Coke.

Yesterday I went to Woodranch and ordered my usual chicken breast, but went with the veggies and rice instead of the mashed potatoes and ranch beans.

Last night I stayed up late watching a mid-night showing of The Devil Wears Prada on HBO, so when morning dawned I didn't want to get up. I wanted to stay glued to my bed in a way that suggests my pillows have hands. But, I got up. Slowly, yeah, but I got up. I dressed and went for my first power walk in weeks.

Victory.... kinda.

Monday, September 1, 2008

A test

This is a test. What kind of test? I don't know. Stop asking things. Just... for once in your life... accept things as they are. Or as they might be. How 'bout you just sit back and not worry about things for once. But, you can't, huh? You just cannot do that. So you're going to push. Push hard and long... despite the dirty overtones. It's too bad really. Because you're a nice person. You mean well. Deep down you really, really mean well. Despite your voting record or music collection. But, nooooo, you have to know. And so, in truth, you're testing me.