Mitt Romney? Mitt Next Time
Tim Pawlenty? Paw-leeeaaaseee
Joe Lieberman? Wasn't he friends with that other guy we were told to hate?
Duke? Apparently not real.
No, no, no... let's choose a woman. That'll throw 'em. And you know what? It did. Don't let "them" convince you otherwise. They were scared. The curveball came in and they were left standing at home plate asking the ump where the pitch was. Sure. One click to Wikipedia, one YouTube sportscaster clip, and a teenage pregnancy later and the Dem-folk are back on solid ground. (And no longer worried that Barry picked Biden. Joe Biden? The guy Kevin Nealon pretended to be in SNL's early '90's Senate hearing sketches?) Fair enough. In fact... as hard as it is for me to say... I'm kind of wondering if there are some better G.O.P. Veep choices that were overlooked. So, I rolled up my sleeves and researched the idea. Turns out... at least three solid choices were left behind.
1.) Andrew "Andy" Gibford
Andy was born in Poway, CA in 1956 and took a strong liking to government early on. As a Junior at Rancho Bernardo High School, he ran for Student Body President and, according to inside sources, he was the first student ever to run on the "I'll bring a soda machine to the quad" platform. Unfortunately, once it was leaked that Andy's parents only allowed him to drink soda pop on the weekends, many student votes considered him a fraud and his scholastic government career was cut short. Also, many remembered Andy as the kid that cried during most of the 9th grade P.E. Square Dancing program.
After High School Andy moved with a lifelong friend from his Boyscout troupe to Santa Maria, CA. He enrolled in general ed classes at Allan Hancock Community College and soon began Umpiring local little league baseball games from Santa Maria to Arroyo Grande to Pismo Beach. His strong sense of justice and complete understanding of the infield fly rule show that Andy is not lacking in leadership or foreign policy experience... still. While looking for discarded bottle caps and clam shells on the shores of Pismo Beach, Andy met his lovely wife Cherrie. They were married in 1977 and consumated their love in the summer of 1981.
In 1983, Andy took interest in local issues when the Pismo Beach Pier took heavy damage in the great Central Coast storms of that year. He organized a charity group to help pay for the major rebuilding that was needed. The members, in a unanimous vote, named Andy the head of the group that he started. Through gas station car washes and an "all proceeds go to the Pier" booth at the Nipomo swap meet, the group raised $214.52 for the cause. Andy's quick response to such a disaster shows his willingness to act for people in need.
Continuing to build on his interest in politics, Andy wrote a series of strongly worded Letters to the Editor from 1984 to 1999. The letters appeared in the local powerhouse newspaper, The Telegram Tribune, as well as it's rival, The Times-Press Recorder. The topics ranged from the Sierra Club's right to protect certain kinds of weeds found in the local Sand Dunes to the Great Wal-Mart Invasion of 1998. Throughout it all he remained a strong speller.
In 1998 and 2002, Andy moved to nearby Arroyo Grande, CA and unsuccessfully ran for the City Council. He lost both times to a local gas station magnate. Andy's supporters blamed a story that had been unearthed from his High School paper claiming that Andy had lived under the thumb of a 7 PM curfew all the way through high school... except for a 9 PM extension on Prom Night.
Andy didn't let the losses keep him from reaching his goals. In 2005, he and his wife moved to Los Osos, CA. He ran for office in 2006 after the City Council Office had an immediate need for a councilman/ part-time office manager when the incumbant slipped on a coral reef while posing for a picture with his girlfriend in the local tide pools. Since then Andy Gibford has been a strong leader... a man with Executive experience... and he would have been a wonderful choice for Vice President of the United States of America.
He and his wife have no kids... because she's barren. And that's a good thing.
2.) Mary McCullough
Mary McCullough (nee Watson) was born in Corvallis, Oregon in 1973. She attended Corvallis High and was a cheerleader for both the Fall and Winter sports terms. A feet not accomplished before or since; proving that Mary has what it takes to blaze trails and stand alone. When not cheerleading, the bubbly Miss Watson wrote for the school newspaper and dabbled in the brand new "Video Production Class." Popular among all the students, Mary was renowned for her ability to have lunch with the ASB students, tutor the local immigrant kid, and park her brand new Ford Escort right next to the tweakers without fear of reprisal.After graduating High School in 1991, Mary was accepted to her hometown college, the beautiful Oregon State University. With a major in teaching and a minor in student teaching, Mary was on her way! She took to her studies with determination, but still found time to cheer for the Duck's football team and her new passion; school news. As a writer/ anchor for the Oregon St. News Broadcast shown locally on Corvallis' community access, channel 29, Mary earned quite a following. In fact, many of her fans would stop their hard work on local highways and train tracks to watch her noon time broadcast... they would even watch the repeat broadcast at midnight! Once again proving Mary is a trusted figure. During her junior year Mary, ever the leader, started "Co-Ed's for Abstinence" with two of her best friends, Chrissy and Monica. Mary soon found herself leading the group when Chrissy left school to give birth and a series of home videos Monica and her boyfriend made were circulated around campus.
Right before college graduation, Mary met and fell in love with Cullen McCullough, one of her professors. Cullen even resigned to support Mary in her future endeavours. They were married by the justice of the peace in a beautiful ceremony in the summer of 1995. Seal's Kiss from a Rose was their wedding song. The witness they paid to stand there reportedly wept.
Mary soon got a job teaching 4th grade at Buckman Elementary school. Immediately upon starting her teaching career, she was appalled at the state of the teacher's lounge. She started a grass roots campaign and soon had the support of most of the staff. With a stunning 78% vote, Mary's proposition that a pool be started in which teachers could drop change or loose bills into a Tuppeware container and the money would be put toward buying snacks and new couch cushions was passed. In 1999, Mary, now teaching sixth grade, was named President of the local Teacher's Union. Under her executive leadership the union has remained strong both on campus and at the bargaining table. In fact, when the union was offered a small cut in exchange for a longer deal and a complete restriping of "most" staff parking spaces, Mary held fast and kept her union together by not taking that bridge to nowhere.
In 2001, Mary and Cullen welcomed their first daughter Britney Christina Alanis McCullough into the world. Their second daughter, Kiera Knightly McCullough, was born in 2003. In 2006 it was learned that young Kiera was not going to be the prettiest girl in her class, but Mary stood strong and made the tough choice to keep her daughter registered in that class because "growth spurts can really turn things around."
Throughout it all Mary has remained the President teachers union, even beating popular drama teacher Blaine Bowman (pictured left) in a tough 2006 election campaign. She would have been a wonderful choice for Vice President of the United States of America.
Mary has never competed in a beauty pageant... though she did secretly win a Wet T-Shirt contest during a 1993 Spring Break trip to Billings, Montana.
3.) Darth Vicious
Darth Vicious was formerly known as Dan Gower until he converted to the Dark Side at the 1998 Comic-Con and legally changed his name in honor of the greatly anticipated Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menance. His past history is rather merky, but neighbors around his mother's house in Canoga Park, CA, a place Darth Vicious still lists as his Isolation Chamber and Headquarters, claim that Vicious was a quiet kid who remained homeschooled through his entire scholastic career. He earned a Masters Degree in the Jedi Arts in 1996 with a focus on two-ended light saber defense.One friend of the Dark Lord of the Girth claimed that, while growing up in the porn capital of America, the husky kid formerly known as Danny Danny Chubby Pants owned every action figure available at the time. Including the less popular ones like M.A.S.K, the Go-Bots, and She-Ra. Yet it should be noted that Darth Vicious didn't stick his hand out and wait for the Government or his Uncle Mert to come by and give him the toys. No, no, no... Darth Vicious worked hard and earned a modest allowance of $1.25 a week and saved up for the chance to collect his action figures. This is a man that knows the value of hard work and the MacGyver action figure.
While working at a Subway on Mason Avenue, north of Devonshire St., Darth Vicious earned a reputation as reliable if not spectacular Sandwhich artist. By the summer of 1998, he was named Assistant Manager, showing that the former Jedi turned Sith Apprentice understands the duties of the second highest position in the country and won't have to ask about it.
Certainly many people will point to the fact that his turn from the Good Side to Dark Side of the force prior to the opening of Comic-Con '98: A Phantom Menance revealed! shows a lack of integrity, but supportors like to remind people that the Dark Side of the Force is just plain cooler... and that's what people go for: cool stuff. Darth Vicious has remained a strong presence in the Sith ranks, a go-to figure in a crazy time following the surprising return of the real enemy, the Jedi. He refuses to back down. Yes, Darth Vicious is ready to defend what he believes in. He would have been a wonderful choice for Vice President of United States of America.
Darth Vicious is a virgin... which is OK because we've already had one of those.
So, there you have it. I'm just not sure about the Palin pick anymore. Sure it was flashy. People and Eskimos in Alaska love her. She might look like Tina Fey enough to trick young, horny liberal voters. Yet when you see what was left on the table... ehhhh... we might just have to end up bowing down and praying to Obama or whatever Revelations says is supposed to happen when he takes Office.
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